Examining my life, I deem my collegiate pursuits the most comforting, therapeutic, spirit-altering, and happiest experiences I've had thus far. They are intellectually stimulating, with all the readings and discussions but I’ve become self-aware about how truly little I know. But I am fine. I whole-heartedly accept the challenge of self-betterment. I like hyphens.
Before every class I must repress the urge to enter the rooms with a madly excited expression. I imagine how it would play out if it wasn’t concealed. At an average gait, I’d turn the outdoor hall corner and my insides would light up, followed by the crinkling of the corners of my eyes and pursing of my lips as a toothless smile creeps up. I advance at greater speed. Every unwavering step, every bit of imagined hair strings behind. The wind then strokes my cheek like a lover would and I turn the knob, open the threshold of knowledge and present myself at the door, proud and ready. My feeling is something would alter this moment so timing and luck are crucial. At the same time, I believe unexpected moments (that in rare cases turn out sound) indulge life like no other.
See, I was walking up a bridge lined with pine trees the other day and listening to the heart-strumming song "You Are Goodbye" by Holly Conlan and the second the first chorus began I gingerly ran my fingers along one of the pine’s bristles and to my wonder, a puff of lemon pollen exploded in the wind and was carried off in a river of magic, a moment of absolution and perfection.
Then there’s the planned. I'm impulsive but seldom in situations have that required serious consideration. I don't hook-up with people, drink because the alcohol is simply there, or smoke because “I want to try new things”. I'm a bit of a saint when it comes to all that and my justification to the world is that these dirty desires were never instilled in my personhood—not by my parents, peers, or inning demon. But I won't be the first to say people change.
Today, the terrible impulse to land a kiss on someone's lips I hardly know almost made me snap. I am wholly content in saying if these sinful urges return, repression won't win. If in two weeks he passes his vocation exam, comes to school for the last time and tells me so, I will do it and my conscience will be at ease. I won't, however, allow regret to flood my being. And that is that.
Let's hope I can keep this going and I talk more about my vainglorious self.
To whomever stumbles upon a bit of my life,
Jackie
